“Sunlight Burning at Midnight”

Romans 8:18  I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Tomorrow marks 8 months since revelation.  Sometimes it is hard to believe it has been that long.  Sometimes it seems like it has been an eternity.  In the beginning, there were days I could not get out of bed.  I told the kids I was sick.  When it got really bad, my husband would have to take time off of work.  I can’t believe he didn’t get fired.

In those early days, the day would begin AFTER the kids went to bed.  It was long and exhausting.  We were trying to show the kids that they had nothing to worry about; that everything would be fine.  We tried to keep things “normal,” whatever that is.  We kept going to their activities.  Although some things changed and some activities got dropped, we wanted them to feel secure.  After they were in bed, we would sit down and talk.  Sometimes it was calm and helpful, other times there was crying and upset voices.  But we never let the kids hear us talk about it.  It was difficult, especially for my husband.  I didn’t care at the time.  He was staying up extremely late to work on our marriage and then get up very early for work (to support us).  In these hours of night, most of the work was done.  I asked questions; he answered them.  I found that many questions didn’t need answering.  It is the things that he answered that haunt me.  Some things you have to know in order to move forward.  I remember texting my friend and asking her if I needed to know a certain thing.  The next day she texted back, saying, “did you answer your own question yet?”  I had been waiting for her answer, relying on it.  When I saw that, I realized that I didn’t need to know that particular thing.  I had gone to sleep.  It didn’t plague me.  It didn’t seem so important anymore.  I learned to sleep on the questions.  The ones that lingered needed answers.

Psalm 18:16-19  He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.  He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.  They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support.  He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I relied on the Lord.  He brought me through the darkest hours.  I remember listening to a song called Beautiful, Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli.  Francesca Battistelli – Beautiful, Beautiful (Official Video) – YouTube.   There was a line in there that intrigued me to no end, only I had no clue what it was talking about.  I kept thinking that it was important but what did it mean?  “Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful.”  Sunlight burning at midnight?  That was crazy talk to me.  Then, months later I actually heard what it was saying.  God was my light in my darkest hour.  He is there for me.  He always is there.  Pray without ceasing.  He hears our prayers.  I have to remember that God does not always answer the way we want him to.  In my case, he did give me my hearts desire.  He actually has restored our marriage at an incredibly fast pace.

Matthew 6:33  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

We both did just that; we sought Him first.  We needed our relationship with God to be right and good.  Then we could focus on each other.  We found that the closer we came to God, the closer we came to each other.  It is like the sides of the triangle.  I saw transformation in my husband.  I think I will save that for it’s own topic.  I saw and experienced healing, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.  I don’t look back and think, ‘why me?’  I think that even though there has been a lot of hurt, what we have learned is invaluable.  We hope that our story will encourage others to work hard for their marriage.  No marriage is easy or perfect (like I used to think).

Forgiveness

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Right, this is much easier said than done.  I wanted to forgive, but it was so painful.  When my husband decided to stay and try, he meant it.  I had all his passwords, I had his technology.  I had knowledge of his whereabouts… until he returned to work.  Work… how he met her.  Although they were not in the same office, it was through work that he met HER.  I will call her Annie (another totally random, made up name.  I want to protect these people.).  He did have contact with her as he worked in different places on different days.  But, I found out he didn’t HAVE to be where she was.  We worked out a system that seemed to work for us.  A way for me to regain trust.  He went back to work.

Strangely enough, I wasn’t really mad at her.  I had met Annie once.  I had met her and her two kids.  I knew about her.  My husband mentioned her like he does other coworkers.  When we were going through all of this, I never hated her or my husband.  I actually felt bad for them.  How odd.  I can’t explain.  The only explanation I have, is that I could not really function with all of this going on.  I was completely dependent on God.  He never abandoned me.

Then, something happened that was totally unavoidable.  I had to spend the day in the place where Annie worked.  It was totally unavoidable.  No way around it.  I would rather not give details on how this came about, but it just was.  I was anxious.  What if I ran into her?  What would happen.  Talk about anxiety.  Not even my medications could help me with this.

But, the day before I was to be there, I knew I had to talk to her.  I didn’t know how I could go about this in her workplace.  I didn’t even know that she would be there for sure.  But I knew I had to talk to her.  I began praying for God to give me words.  I asked John and Ellie to pray for me.  My husband was to be with me that day.

When we arrived I didn’t see her.  But as the morning wore on, I saw her.  I knew she knew I was there.  There was tension.  I kept praying.  I was in prayer all day.  Then, I saw her leaving.  I thought it was her, I thought she was leaving.  I was upset that I had lost my one opportunity to talk to her.  I was disappointed.  I walked back down the hall and someone came out of a door and almost ran right into me.  It was Annie.  I was stunned.  I said to her, “Are you Annie?”  She said “yes.”  I remember being surprised that she answered honestly!  I asked to talk to her and she told me she was busy, she was working, she had things to do.  We were in the middle of this hall.  I know people saw us and knew what was going on, but I saw no one but her (seriously, they thought it was their secret? Everyone knew except me).  I couldn’t let her leave.  I told her, “I just want you to know that I don’t hate you.  I am not mad at you and I have forgiven my husband and I forgive you.  I just wanted you to know that.”  She said okay and walked away.  Where did those words come from??  They were all true.  I didn’t hate her.  I did not feeling like gashing her eyeballs out and breaking all her limbs.  I just forgave her.  And I meant it from the bottom of my soul.

This was very freeing.  I felt good.  Two days later, I got a call from my husband.  I was at an extra-curricular event with our kids.  He told me that he had just left work and Annie was waiting in the parking lot for him.  She was distraught and she wanted to talk to him.  He told her no.  She said she was going to kill herself.  He drove away.

I hung up and called Annie’s husband.  He was out of town.  I told him that he had to get someone to her house immediately.  He texted back and told me someone was on their way.  Meanwhile, my husband joined my where I was.  I was praying for her.  I was scared that my husband could cause someone’s suicide by his careless actions.  I just kept praying.  My phone rang and even without caller ID I knew it was Annie.  I answered and she was hysterical.  I left my husband and got in my car and started driving.  I got her to agree to meet with me and I stayed on the phone until I arrived where she was.

As a side note, I left my husband.  All he knew was that I was going to see his mistress.  He did not know where.  And, I wouldn’t answer when he called or texted.  He was scared.  Two reasons.  Was I safe (that never crossed my mind) and what would she tell me that he hadn’t.

I sat for a very long time in a dark, empty parking lot with Annie.  We sat in my van.  We talked.  I was very calm.  I was not going to hand my husband over to her.  I told her that.  I don’t care what promises were made.  She would never see him again.  She wanted answers.  I called my husband on speaker phone and told her to ask whatever she wanted.  She didn’t talk long.  She played me phone messages he left her.  I didn’t care.  That voice was hollow and empty.  It was his, but it was not the voice I knew.  I didn’t care that he told her he loved her.  None of it mattered.  I continued to try to help her make sense of all that was happening.  I told her I would stay as long as she needed me.  I called John and Ellie in hopes that they could help her to see more clearly.  When we parted, we hugged.  I like her.  I actually care about her and pray for her family.  We could have been friends.  We texted for a while after that.  I think she attempted suicide the next day (that is what she told me) but she did not have success.  As far as I know, she and her husband are still together.  An answer to prayer.  A marriage saved.

Forgiveness.  Forgiving my husband, forgiving her.  I had to.  I am a sinner.  We are all sinners.  Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins.  I am forgiven.  My husband is forgiven.  He repented.  He turned from his sin.  Who am I to NOT forgive?

Luke 17:1-4 Jesus said to his disciples:  “Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come.  It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin, so watch yourselves.  If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.  If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

Not so random text

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?

Okay, it has been almost 8 months to the day since she has contacted my husband.  Why is his number still in her phone?  I am pretty sure that people are not in the habit of memorizing phone numbers when the number is put directly into the phone.

So, I got a call from my husband this afternoon.  He had gotten these texts from an unknown number.  Then he realized who they were from.  “This isn’t a personal message about me.  ‘Tina’ needs your help.  Her and her kids are without electricity and hot water.  She needs your help but won’t ask.  Call her.”   “Tina” is someone they both know through work.

1.  How is it that when you are in a conversation with somebody that the name of the man you had an affair with (that ended 8 months ago) comes into mind as a good source of money?

2.  If she thinks he has enough money for his own family and someone else for their electric bill, she must think he’s loaded.  Boy would that have been a shocker for her and her kids!

3. WHY does she still have his number?  What else has she kept on that device?  Pictures, texts, voicemails?  As I side note, I don’t really care what she has, as long as it isn’t my husband himself.

4.  Why didn’t “Tina” just ask him without involving HER?

We really are in no position to help her.  He tried to steer her towards places that give assistance for that sort of thing.  Our hearts go out to her and we would like to help her.  We just can’t.

Still, is it just me or is that strange?  Is he the ONLY person they could think of?  I never thought he would get another text.  It has been since before New Year’s.  This is random and caught me off guard.  I haven’t been in this hyped up mode in awhile.  All my senses go on alert.  I’m reading into things and trying to figure out if there is hidden messages on her part.  Actually, I think probably not.  But maybe she isn’t letting go of the memories like she should.

Hebrew 13:5  …because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

No, he did not text HER back.  He has texted “Tina” personally.  This is all so very interesting.  I guess I now know that it will always be there.  SHE will always be there.  Memories fade with time, but the memory is still there.

Psalm 28:7  The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.  My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.

You know what?  After writing this out and rereading it several times, none if it matters much anymore.  Maybe it was just a random text.  Yes, she still keeps his phone number.  I don’t care.  I trust my husband.  We have worked extremely hard to get past all of this.  This text clearly states that someone ELSE needs help.  I am not going to really let this weigh on me.  God is definitely in control of all things.  His hand is in this.  I know what he desires for my marriage.  I will trust in HIM!

“Faith Based” Counseling

2 Chronicles 32:8 “With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and to fight our battles.”

December 19, 2010 was a day I’ll never forget.  The pain and sorrow.  But 2 days later we sat in our pastor’s office.  Two days after that, we sat in our first counseling session.  NOW, we were getting somewhere!  We had someone that could help us sort through all this and make sense of this.  Someone with faith.  Someone that could lead us in the way of our Lord.  After the first session I was feeling optimistic.  We talked about important issues.  I heard things that needed saying.  I knew I was a sinner.  No, I had not committed adultery.  But I was, and still am, a sinner.  I can take blame for many problems that we may have had, but I will never take the blame for my husband’s decision.  That was his alone.  Seeing that I was a sinner, I could not seek revenge on my husband.  All sins are equal in the eyes of God.  Yes, adultery is something that is grounds for divorce, but divorce is not necessary after an affair.

We continued on with the counseling for many weeks.  Maybe two months.  Some days were good and some were bad.  I started to realize that I had not heard our counselor make one mention of God or the Bible.  I thought we were going to be guided through this by someone that knew God personally.  I contacted our pastor and asked him to please find us someone to talk to.  Find us someone that has been through this and come out better on the other side.  Someone that knows and loves the Lord.  He found no one.

At one counseling session my husband mentioned prayer.  The counselor made some remark like, “What do you expect?  Is God just going to give you what you ask for?”  Something along those lines.  I remember thinking, well, duh… yea, that is what we believe.  Where was the faith based counseling we were supposed to be receiving?  She doesn’t even think God will answer our prayers?

Meanwhile, I had contacted Mona Shriver.  Through the book Unfaithful, I found their Hope and Healing website.  I emailed Mona.  I needed to know I was not alone.  That book was one that I read until it was complete.  I could not put it down.  The story was about me.  Someone else had gone through the same thing.  I couldn’t believe it!  Why did they have to live in California?  We corresponded for a while.  I think it took one day to get a response from her.  Sometimes she would respond the same day.  What a blessing.

I was desperate.  We were going no where and we needed guidance.  We both wanted to work on this, but it was all so confusing.  Out of this desperation, I sent another email to Mona.  I asked if she knew of anyone near us that had been through this.  Someone that knew and loved the Lord.  Someone that could help us.  I was tired of feeling alone.  She had the names of two couples in my inbox in no time.  I contacted them both.

We kept seeing our counselor.  She was terrible.  I didn’t know what to do.  If we didn’t go see her, who would help us?  She was my hope.  We went one day.  We had had a pretty decent week.  Not far in to the session, she started to tear us apart.  She made us relive things that were best left unsaid.  She started in and didn’t relent.  I sat there, on the sofa, doubled over, crying my eyes out.  I hated her.  That night I told my husband that I was never seeing her or talking to her again.  She didn’t have a clue what we were going through, how could she help us?

Psalm 55:22 Cast all your cares on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.

Many blessings to Mona Shriver.  One of the couples that responded to our email responded in such a way that I felt a connection to them immediately.  They invited us to their house on a Saturday.  We went to their town early and attempted to have lunch together.  Everything we did took so much energy.  So much effort.  By the time we got to their house, I was exhausted.  John and Ellie (these are totally random and made up names) welcomed us in to their home.  They sat with us and told us their story.  I was thinking that their story was WAY worse than mine.  I should be thankful.  I didn’t care for John very much.  He was like my husband.   We talked for a while.

Then, they said that we were going to have time to worship.  They turned on a DVD that was a Christian band.  The song was amazing.  I started to cry.  I turned and reached out to my husband and we held each other and wept.  In one evening with our new friends, I had renewed hope.  After all, they had been through much worse and you could see the love they shared.  The love for each other and their love for God.  They relied fully on him.  We prayed, we worshiped, we had communion.  This was the faith based counseling I needed.  Someone that had been there.

Mark 11:24-26 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.  And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Revelation

DISNEY WORLD!  We planned our trip for 5 years and talked about Disney weekly if not daily.  We needed this trip.  My husband was putting in so many hours at work.  He felt more like a roommate to me.

The trip actually was horrible.  There was some fun, but it was strange.  I remember looking at him on the bus that transports you from hotel to park and thinking that I didn’t even know him anymore.  He looked like a stranger.  Then came our last day and the drive home.  Revelation came while pulling out of the park.  He was so miserable and I could not, for the life of me, figure out what was going on with my husband.  He said he wasn’t happy.  For some odd reason, I asked if there was someone that DID make him happy.  The physical pain from his answer was the beginning of a journey we are now on…

At the point of revelation I had two options: I could have told my husband to leave. I could have asked for a divorce. But instead, I told him I still loved him. I told him I could forgive him. I asked him for time. I asked him to stay. He said he was leaving. The physical and emotional pain at that time was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Worse than any death I have ever experienced. The grieving had begun.

One of the very first things I did was ask for prayer from my Facebook friends and family. I said it was personal and private, but please pray for me right now. I also contacted our pastor and asked to meet with him as soon as possible when we arrived home. The prayers started coming in. God was with me. As devastated as I was, I could see God with me so clearly. With all of my irrational thoughts, came rational ones and rational things to say. My 10 year old daughter and I were in silent prayer the whole way home.

How was God working? Well, first of all, I was driving when I was told. I don’t remember the brief driving I did after that. I remember pulling over on the side of the highway, getting out, then getting back in to drive. By the grace of God, I realized I could not drive and I pulled over safely.

There were a great many stops that day. Kids needed food and rest stops. The van needed gas. Each stop was a prolonged process, though. Not the usual quick stop. It seemed that when my husband would return with one of the kids, the other one would be snuggled up on my lap. There were lots of tears and emotions. We would just sit there. We would sit until the kids were ready to get back in their seats. Then, there was trouble with the van. We had planned to stop anyway, but this still gave me extra time. My husband took the van to get it fixed the next morning. We did not leave the hotel until around 1:00 in the afternoon. At this point I was in control of all phones/technology etc. He had willingly given up his phone.  I knew that there would be no contact with the outside world for him until we reached home. This, too, was a blessing. It gave me time.

This driving day brought more of the same. We would stop, the kids would get out with Daddy. They would snuggle with me. There were tears. I didn’t move. I didn’t eat. I barely drank. My daughter knew (I made him tell them he was leaving) and I was helpless to care for her or my 5 year old son. One stop, when we were nearing home was interesting. After non stop prayer, something happened. While he took the kids to the restroom I got out my phone and looked at Facebook. I have no idea why I did that. I usually used that brief opportunity to call my mother or text my mother in law. But I got on Facebook. There was a blog post by Single Dad Laughing that caught my eye. I couldn’t believe it! The title was, Real Dads Don’t Leave. (http://www.danoah.com/2010/12/real-dads-dont-leave.html) I read that long blog as quickly as I could. When my daughter opened my door and laid down with me to snuggle, I just handed my husband the phone. He began to read. I remember the tears from my daughter and myself. I remember her asking him not to leave. My son asked, “Why do you have to leave Daddy?” I think something broke inside him at that moment. He had been so cold during that car ride home. So distant. When our 5 year old said that, he told the kids that he would stay. He wouldn’t leave.

I didn’t believe him but my 10 year old told me to hope. I remember thinking that I had to forgive him. I am forgiven. The Lord’s Prayer states, “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.” I am not without sin.

1 John 5:17 states “Every wrong is sin, but not all sin leads to death.” It says EVERY wrong. EVERY. That is significant.

I remembered this verse, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her” (John 8:7 KJV).

Another verse that came to mind was Matthew 7:1-5. “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (NIV).

My husband has always been my best friend. God wants us to forgive. I did not ask God WHY. I asked him HOW. I asked him for guidance. Strangely enough, I never felt alone. I knew that God could get me through this.

We arrived home safely. I don’t recall much about that evening at home. I was just thankful to be there. My husband had agreed to go see our pastor with me the next morning. Our pastor was very kind to us. He was trying to say the right things. He referred us to counseling.  We began a day or two later.

What I realized while sitting in our pastor’s office was that he did not have much to offer us. Here we were, in trouble. Our marriage was in pieces. There was NO ONE to talk to that had been through this. No one. Talk about feeling alone. We found a book titled Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver. We found out that statistically, we are NOT alone. At least 25 % of all Christian marriages are affected by emotional or physical affairs. This statistic is not even accurate because there are couples that don’t admit it to anyone, sometimes even their spouses. I was thinking where are all these people? Who will help us? We needed hope. I began emailing Mona Shriver at www.hopeandhealing.us.  What a blessing this couple is. They have written a book that tells their story of infidelity (Unfaithful). It is so similar to what we were feeling and going through. They put us in touch with couples that live near us that have gone through all of this. There is healing. God is not giving up on us. Remember the parable about the one lost sheep in Luke 15:4-7?

When I left the church, I remember thinking that we would get through this difficult time.  God would be able to use us to help others so they did not feel alone like we did.  It was a peaceful feeling.  I had a lot of pain and a lot of issues to deal with, but I had this peace inside.  I knew it would be okay.  I knew God could use us.

My hope in telling our story is that someone will hear this and know that there is hope. Whether your marriage included an affair or you are just struggling. It does not have to end. There is hope. There is healing. Your marriage can be good again.

A broken heart can be restored.